It’s a well known and well documented fact; some people tend to attract Mr. or Mrs. Wrong all the time, no matter in how many relationships they have been in. On the other hand, some seem to have found Mr. or Mrs. Right from the get go. But why? This has been one of my biggest questions of life since my late teens. I’ve only finally made peace with this when I started getting it. Now, I get it. Expect for maybe some rare cases, the type of individual that we attract as partner in a relationship is a reflection of ourselves.
How so?
I know, I know, not something lots of people like to hear, because we love it to be someone else’s fault. I know what you’re saying right now. What do you mean it’s my fault? I’m a nice person, I have plenty of good qualities, and I’m even smart too.
Well, sorry to break it to you, but being nice, intelligent, smart, and all the good and positive things that you may be doesn’t protect you from attracting Mr. or Mrs. Wrong.
Why?
Because one has absolutely nothing to do with the other. It’s would be like saying; I can’t have diabetes because I’m nice, smart and intelligent.
The reason why you have been attracting Mr. or Mrs. Wrong is NOT because you’re not a good person or because you’re stupid, is mostly due to your subconscious paradigm, also called your subconscious programming. Why would I be an expert at knowing what’s wrong when it comes to attracting Mr. or Mrs. Wrong? Well, I’ve been a master at it all my life. The only problem was that I didn’t know why. However, my 6 years of studying and meditating about the subconscious mind taught me a thing or two.
There could be numerous reasons why both men and women are attracting the wrong partner or spouse into their lives, but there are two very common ones that you might recognize. In this post I wanted to tell you about such reasons and what you can do to help resolve the issue.
Issue #1 Low Self Esteem
Anger is a manifestation of a deeper issue… and that, for me, is based on insecurity, low self esteem and loneliness. Naomi Campbell
If you still haven’t put your finger around the Law of Attraction very well thus far, you need to know this about it if anything else. Mr. and Mrs. Wrong are attracted by low self esteemed individuals.
Domineering control freaks are attracted by low self esteemed people like flies by honey. As a matter of fact, this is so because domineering self control characters are themselves suffering with low self esteem. Big time. Like attracts like. Confident well put together men and women do not have the need to control others in any way shape or form.
If you are aware that you suffer from low self esteem, watch carefully for what type of people you are meeting, and watch them closely before it’s too late. Believe me, if you see anything that you don’t like about a potential partner it’s not going to get better over time.
Let me say that again. If you notice anything you find not likable in the person you’ve met recently, it’s not going to get better over time. Actually, it will get worse. Let the knowledge of your own issues be your sounding alarm, and run away.
Even if you are not aware of your low self esteem issue, yet, but notice that you keep attracting domineering, control freak type of partners, this is YOUR sign. If this has happened again and again, it’s the alarm signal that you are suffering from low self esteem.
Why do some People Have Low Self Esteem?
Low self esteem is usually developed between the age of 0 and 7, and it can come from the way you were raised, treated, and dealt with by not only the people who raised you, but anyone who had enough time to affect your mind during those years. What ever happened then became your subconscious programming or paradigm. It’s now part of your subconscious mind makeup.
In my case I can’t blame my parents for my low self esteem issues. No, not even remotely. What affected my self esteem so bad were my peers at school. I dealt with some pretty heinous kids bullying me from age 4 until age 16. In my case it was plenty enough to shape a low self esteem syndrome that I carried around all through my life until rather recently where I could tell that I was finally doing much better.
Why was I being bullied for so long? Well, bullied people keep attracting more bullies. Law of Attraction effect.
When you carry such a load of low self esteem around, you are bound to attract Mr. or Mrs. Wrong. In most cases, it’s not if you are going to attract the wrong partner, but more like when.
Learn how to access yourself to figure out why you are always ending up with the wrong partner for you. If you can’t do it yourself, you can always consult a coach to help you figure it out. I would have never gotten when I am today on my own.
Issue #2 Looking for a Father or Mother in a Partner
Wow, do I know about that one! I’ve been looking for my father in a partner for years. People who tend to look for a father or mother in a spouse are people who have lost their mother or father at a very young age. This issue is found more often in women than men, but it happens with both gender.
The unfortunate side effect of losing a parent prematurely is that the enormous emotional void is so strong that the person will still be “subconsciously” looking for that missing parent when it’s time to date, fall in love, and get married. In my case, I was always falling in love with guys way older than me and ended up marrying one as well.
Now, what’s wrong with falling in love with someone older than you? Well, nothing per se. It’s not a crime to fall in love with someone your father or mother’s age and you won’t be brought to justice to do so. It could even turn out to be great if it works out for you, but that is not the issue we are talking about here.
So, What’s the Real Issue?
The real issue that turns into bad affairs for those who are looking for their father or mother in a relationship is that you need to think it the other way around. What type of person would be looking for their daughter or son to marry?
You see, when someone is looking for someone way younger, or even way too young for a partner that tells you a lot about their maturity and their own issues. In the majority of cases that’s why they are not making good spouse. Yes, they are older, but frankly mentally they are even younger than you are, and may even have a very twisted view of what relationships and marriage really are.
Think about it!
My first husband started getting interested in me when I was 14 and he was 27. Ding, ding, ding! Was there something wrong with this picture? You bet there was. Unfortunately, at 14 you don’t know anything about anything, and you can’t tell a wolf from a wolf in sheep clothing. But really, even if you end up marrying the guy few years later, you know something was wrong from the get go.
If like me you’ve lost a parent at a very young age and looking for him or her in a relationship, pause for a moment, and analyze the problem.
Why are you looking for mom or dad in a relationship? That parent’s void will never be replaced by your spouse. A parent is not a spouse and a spouse is not a parent, and will never be. People looking for someone much younger than than they are as a spouse will bring their own issues to the marriage or relationship. A very common one is control. It’s easier to control someone younger with less experience in life.
Unfortunately, if you have lost your mom or day when you were just a small child like I was when my father died, you will always, somehow, miss that parent, but looking for them in a spouse is a crucial error that can be avoided.
How?
1 – Make peace with yourself
I know that when you’re small, loosing a parent you may feel that God is punishing you. You might have been a bad kid for God to take away your mother or father. I’m saying this, because those are thoughts that crossed my mind when I was little. By the time you reach the age of dating, however, you need to reason with yourself and make peace with yourself. You need to know that losing your mother or father was none of your doing. As a friend coach of mine would say, “people leave when it’s their time and it’s not based on you”.
2- Make a specific list for what you’re looking for in a mate
If you make a truthful list of what you’re looking for in a mate (not a parent), you will be better able to actually SEE the difference between the two. You truly don’t want a father/mother figure, but a true companion, a spouse, a friend and a lover. Someone who has similar tastes, but at the same time maybe a different personality which actually makes you a better person. Make sure your list reflects a partner, not a parent.
You would be surprised how such list will attract the right partner to you. It has for many people I know.
3- Seek professional help
If you have a hard time to do this on your own, and have failed at attracting Mr. Right, then it might be worth it that you seek professional help such as a Life Coach which will be able to see what and where the problem is and guide you out of this tunnel.
Some people can make it out on their own, and some don’t.
In the meantime, I hope this post has been helpful to you. Please, leave your comments and feedbacks below!
Hi Sylviane. This is a great article and we need to share it with the world. Can I say that probably 1/2 the world is looking and attracting the wrong people. I think you just touch upon the basics of the problem and you do a great job. I found myself reading and wanting more! Time to write a book? 🙂 Anyway, I will need to re-read this evening and get it ingrained in the brain. Thank you. And when’s the 2nd half coming out? LOL!
Have a great one!
Barbara
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Hi Barbara,
Thanks for coming and I’m so glad you enjoyed this. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am working on a book and it’s got to be my 2013 goal to finish the darn thing.
I am still learning of course, but I also think that over the years I’ve developed a good understanding of those things and most of them are a mixture of what I’ve learned with my own experiences together which always prove the facts so well.
You’re right, probably about 1/2 the people on the planet attract the wrong partner. Just look at divorce statistics!
Oh, yes, I will be writing on the 2nd half soon 🙂
You said it all, Sylviane! I think that the self-esteem issue is huge, because it’s so easy to become dependent on someone. They make you feel good, they prop you up and you lean on them like a crutch without knowing it. I think this happens sometimes when people break up with one persona and they bounce right into another relationship. I think it goes beyond being lonely into needing someone to take care of you emotionally.
It’s something to be mindful of for sure, because even if you don’t have a bad self-esteem you can still be swept away by… let’s call them “sweet talkers” 🙂
I always did wonder about older people who like younger ones, mostly because it’s creepy to me to think of someone in their late 20s or 30s to “like” or even “love” a kid who can’t even drive a car yet! There is such a huge difference in people at those ages – you have completely different life experiences, different educations, and you probably grew up in totally different worlds. A friend of mine was dating someone so much younger than him once that she had never even heard of any of the music that he listened to… and we’re talking about people like Prince and the Grateful Dead (that you would think someone would hear of, even if you don’t like them). To me that’s just weird. What do you have in common? What could you talk about?
Well, I hope they read this post and get themselves in order!
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Hi Carol,
Yes, bouncing from one bad relationship to the next is beyond the feeling lonely syndrome, way beyond. Like you said it shows that the person is not complete on his or her own, and needs someone to make them feel good. Sad 🙁
Sometimes you see those rich folks dating people 20, 30 even 40 years younger than them. You have to wonder, they’ve got to know that it’s not for love out of love, right. Now, if you’re 20, sure you can fall in love with a 40 year old easy, but you hear those actors being 60 or 70 marrying 25-35 year old women. Come on, now 🙂
Thanks for you input 🙂
What a great subject Sylviane!
I myself had two Mr. Wrongs before I realized I needed to re-program myself. There is an old book called “My Mother, Myself” and that awakened me a long time ago. Although rationally, I didn’t want to be my mother, I was. I was subconsciously doing everything she has done in a relationship.
Give me a guy with a problem, and I was there to fix it. Ding Dong, I had that AHA moment and found a therapist. From then on, it took work, but I was determined to break those patterns my subconscious mind was pulling me towards.
Then, one day I met my husband. No, he was not my “type” Thank God. But I gave him a shot. I realized that I deserved to be loved just as I loved. That was 20 some odd years ago. I live in peace now.
So for all you gals and guys out there, heed the advice of this post. It will change your life. And please, don’t be afraid. We usually stick to what we are used to. So take the plunge, get out there and change yourself. You will find your perfect match!
Donna
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Hi Donna,
Boy, do we have the same mother? LOL, I haven’t read that book, but I already know that the author is right. Gosh! Yes, we do tend to be the copy carbon of our mothers. As much as I so love my mom, every time I see her in me (except when it comes to cooking) I want to run away from myself.
My mother was the fix everything to everybody else but herself, and I don’t want to fall in that crap trap. If you know what I mean.
Thank for your great comment, Donna. By the way, I think you’re husband is cute, what do you mean not your type? 🙂 ?
This was a very good article Sylviane. Here’s the deal, I never have had low self-esteem. My first fiance had Mommy issues… My second serious one who the hell knows what happened there and my marriage was doomed before I even walked down the isle.
I went to therapy after my divorce to find out why I attracted the same type of men and she really wasn’t much help. “Normally” she said there were certain signs but none of them had them.
Moving on… The reason I continued to attract the wrongs guys were definitely my own doing. I saw that because I was telling myself I would due to my past. So I know the remainder of my relationships were doomed because of that but I honest to God don’t understand my first two that failed. I KNOW why my marriage was doomed and from there it was just downhill.
That’s okay, I’m happy now being alone yet I now know how to attract the right guy if I chose. Yep, years of figuring that out right!
~Adrienne
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Hi Adrienne,
You sound a lot like me. A life time of attracting the wrong guys, and finally figure out why. I’m the same way. I know now that I would not attract a wrong guy again, except that right now I’m a bit tired with them guys and I’m fine on my own at this time.
I wish I had known then what I know now, but that’s life we don’t know the same thing when we are very young as when we are older. For that reason, I would never want to go back in time 🙂
Thanks for coming, Adrienne 🙂
Sylviane,
it was such a pleasure to follow your thoughts. I have been trying to understand why some women attract spouses that abuse them. I believe that it is a childhood programming.
We attract according to our vibrations. All on the same level of personal development plane. So as a result the low esteemed, abused girl will attract an abusive husband. You are right that subconsciously it is an internal mind creation.
There is a way out of a bad relationship, but the only one to change is yourself.
I like the saying: Do not overestimate your power to change others and don’t underestimate your power to change yourself.
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Hi Margarita and thanks for your visit.
You’ve got it and you are right on about this. It’s a vicious circle. battered women will attract battering men and they both lack self confidence so there are perfect match.
I love the quote that you mentioned here. I think it’s impossible to change others, but it’s definitely possible to change us, and by changing ourselves we will see others’ behaviors change around us and also attract better kind of people.
Hi Sylviane,
This is a vey insightful article. You have touched on some very puzzling thoughts for some people who may found themselves forever attracting Mr. Wrongs.
Like Adrienne, I have never had a low-esteem issue. It has a lot to do with the fact that my father had this entrepreneurial mindset even though he was brought up in a small villiage in China. Maybe that came from my granddad who travelled all the way by ship to the Phillippines to seek fortune. He did!
I have come acroos many people who have low self esteem issues. THis can impact on their personal life and business life. You are spot on! Some people can make it out on their own, and some don’t. What is the most important FIRST STEP is to recognise if there is an issue. Professional life coaches can certainly help clients to put a lot of things in perspective and re-shape how the world may be perceived differently.
Thanks, Sylviane!
Viola Tam
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Hi viola,
You and Adrienne are very fortunate, and I wish I could say the same, but it wasn’t the case for me. Bullying takes a lot of your self confidence away.
You are very fortunate to have had a grandfather and father who were entrepreneurs and gave you a lot to be confident for. That is really a blessing. I’m glad you are telling us a little bit about your background, I always like to know about people’s stories.
Thanks for your feedbacks 🙂
Hi Sylviane,
Now you are setting as a example here and you have gone through that 🙂 The best person to talk about it, but I’m sorry you had to go through that dear. They are very sensitive things to deal with. I know for me, I have my mother and father and, I can’t imagine how it feels like. But with the age difference, I feel that younger person tend to fall for that. The younger one looking for parent, but mature one for a spouse.
I’ve heard more likely stories after social media comes to play. Especially on Facebook. They are very sad stories. I believe this one is a good read for children and teens spend time online and hangout with anonymous people 🙂
I have to admit that I’m one of guys with low self-esteem as I had to go through some experiences as a child. I was felt like I’m under control of my father not under love. But I’m grateful as it made me who I am to bear the pain and I never made a bad choice 🙂
One thing which mostly amaze me that I always get to know very wonderful people. I don’t have 1000s of them, but friends I have are really the good ones with kind hearts. As I’m online I could have meet anyone and be friends, but specifically meeting you is that wondering me Sylviane. I had no clue about that. Same goes for other friends 🙂 I found my girlie (not online) and she’s actually a lot better than me. Now I feel I’m filled with love which also helps build my self-esteem 🙂
Cheers…
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Hi Mayura,
Thank you for coming and sharing your thoughts with us on this blog. I’m glad that you have a loving girl friend and have both your parents as ou should at your young age 🙂
Take care 🙂
So true! I often step into this trap, I dunno why but I like the bad boys:) My hubby used to be one of them but I’ve changed him.
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Hi Niki,
I’m glad you realized that and got better at it. As for changing someone that’s rather difficult. I’m glad you succeeded at this too.
For the longest time, I’ve been attracting no one but those who are commitment-phobic and it really took a toll on how I look at establishing serious relationships. Thanks for this inspiring share and I sure hope I meet the one who will make a difference in my life soon 🙂
Hi Sylviane! Very well done! I’ve had my own bouts with meeting guys that never seem to meet my expectations because I made the mistake of making them assume roles that they are not in any way obligated to fulfill. I’m happily married now and although our relationship is nowhere near perfection we strive to work on our differences everyday. Thanks.
Hello Sylviane,
This article made me feel really good about myself. Do you want to know why? I too lost my father at a young age and I definitely had a pattern of attracting the wrong men. They are all nice, decent people but the common thread they had in a marriage, and dating situations was control. I always knew I was attracting the wrong person for me. So I’ve spent a good part of my life attending a ton of seminars on personal development in hopes I could uncover the subconscious garbage that caused me to create these situations. I also knew all along that it was mostly about me, but at the same time, as you stated, the other person has their own issues.
When I was younger, I married an older man, and it ended in divorce. I have a lot of respect for him, but we were doomed from the beginning. It was just a matter of time. I continued the pattern of attracting the wrong type of man, but I finally took control and changed everything. I guess I could say I went into a metamorphosis and came out a more mature, consciously aware individual. I’ve learned why I attracted controlling men and I know it was low self-esteem. Surface actions caused by subconscious effects can be reprogrammed. So that is what I did. I went through several sessions of replacing low self esteem which is caused by forming thoughts as a child from situations that can negatively impact a child. When the same scenarios are repeated as an adult, the subconscious control can be dissipated.
Now I’ll go back to why your article made me feel good about myself? I could read through the whole article without getting sad and I was able to recognize my growth. I’ve learned to enjoy my own company and as you stated, “Like attracts like. Confident well put together men and women do not have the need to control others in any way shape or form.” I don’t have any need to control others and I am ready to attract the right person, if and when the time comes. Also, I have made peace with myself, I have a written specific list of what I am looking for in a mate, and I have sought professional help which guided me out of the tunnel! Thanks for sharing this wonderful, informative article. I sent it to my daughter because I think it will help her to learn about the impact of the subconscious mind. She is a young adult, and it’s a good read for any girl her age.
Raena Lynn
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Wow, Raean,
Thank you for your superb comment. What I like about you is that you do not deliver trashy/short comments, but more like write another post in the comment area, which I love!
Wow, we have a lot in common! Talking with you and our other buddies we most certainly don’t know everything about each other, though, and I didn’t know that you’d lost your father at a young age like me.
I can also see that you’ve develop the typical reactions most of us gals in such case do which is being attracted and attracting older men.
I am so glad you’ve sought professional help and got all these issues behind you. I am also happy to see that you’ve wrote down what type of man you want. That’s so important.
Thanks for your visit, Raena and sharing this with you’re daughter. I’m very flattered!
She read it an thought it was very cool! If they can learn at a young age, they can skip the heartache!
Raena Lynn
Raena Lynn invites you to read..Trim And Focus. Do You Need 5 Staplers On Your Desk?
You’re funny!
Of course I read it. Every word. I am very sensitive about my comments. Love them, appreciate them and don’t take them for granted. Never!
Thanks so much, Raena!
Hello Sylviane,
Nice Post. You have a good point here! I totally agree with what you have said!! Thanks for sharing your views…hope more people will read this article!!!
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for your feedbacks. Would love to know what part you like best though!