About half marriages, not only in the United States, but in many other modern countries of the world, end in divorce
And that doesn’t include relationships without marriage, which many also end in separation.
Yet again, not all marriages and relationships that do not end up in divorce or separation are bliss either.
So what does that leaves us with?
Obviously, many of us are making the wrong choice when it comes to romantic relationships.
But why?
In this article, we are going to analyses why so many of us enter relationships that cannot last, and how to avoid this in the future.
Put your seat belt on, because this is deep, but it’s really going to reveal to you how relationships work, or should I say, why they don’t on a large scale.
Why so many People Start Relationships that can’t Last?
There’s a very simple answer to this question, but most people don’t know it.
The reason that you and I have had a fair share of bad relationships, is that we don’t make a conscious choice when it comes to falling in love, or even being attracted to another person.
This is because the REAL motivator behind it all is our subconscious mind.
Of course, you would never consciously want someone that is condescending and abusing you verbally, or even physically. But if as a child you had the misfortune to be verbally or physically attacked, you have a very, very high potential to be attracted by someone who is going to be that way with you.
This is one subconscious factor, but that’s not even the only one.
As a matter of fact, unless you get to understand this fully, you will most likely repeat the same mistake over and over.
This is because your choice in partners is not made consciously, but subconsciously.
This is a basic, yet crucial understanding that you need to have when it comes to relationships.
So let’s dig a little, shall we?
What’s the Difference between Conscious Choice and Unconscious Choice?
There are two very fundamental differences between conscious choice and subconscious choice which we also call unconscious choice.
Let me explain…
For example, if as a child you were told that showing emotions such as being sad, depressed or even crying was a bad thing, what happened is that, as a young child, you learned how to suppress those feelings of sadness and the demonstration of it.
However, the problem is that it didn’t prevent them to exist. You’ve just learned to hide your emotions. You buried them somewhere because you were told that is bad to show emotions.
As an adult, you came to consciously know that people may at times be sad or feel depressed, and cry, but by then, you couldn’t show such emotions yourself.
At this point, you are not able to show any of such emotions because when you were just a child what your parent told you became subconscious. You are now subconsciously programmed not to show negative emotions.
Your subconscious programming in this regard is saying that sad emotions and feelings are bad.
What you didn’t know yet, it’s that this problem has a huge potential of creating dysfunctional future relationships.
Let’s see how…
How a Suppressed Negative Emotional Programming can Affect your Future Relationships
Emotions are natural, weather they are positive or negative. They just serve us to know what is wanted and what is unwanted, so we can move towards better experiences in life.
The problem is that when you were denied to express negative emotions as a child, you were denied a crucial and very important mechanism that is necessary for being balanced in life.
Now, instead, you have a big void.
Here is an example…
Let’s say it’s 120 degrees Fahrenheit outside, but since this is way too hot, your parents tell you to brake the thermometer so you can try to ignore that it’s too hot.
The problem with that it’s that it’s going to be the same temperature still. It won’t cool down just because you’ve broken the thermometer.
When a confused parent told you as a child not to show emotions of sadness, when you were actually sad, they did the same thing as braking a thermometer to ignore the heat outside.
The fact that your parents tell you don’t be sad, don’t cry or don’t be… feel the blank, doesn’t make it stop. But what it does is that it teaches you to suppress it consciously, and then eventually you suppress it subconsciously.
Do you want to know what happens to us with feelings that we have suppressed subconsciously since childhood?
We are looking for someone else to feel the void.
In this case, basically what’s going to happen is that you are going to subconsciously attract someone who was free to express their emotions as a child.
Here is a very concrete example…
My own.
When I was a child I was allowed to feel everything I wanted. My mother was great that way. Never did I hear her say, don’t cry, finish your plate or even go to sleep.
The only thing we were told not to do is eat unhealthy snacks that would ruin our appetite.
You could say that my mother was way ahead of her time in this regard.
She knew that a child cries when he needs to eats when he’s hungry and go to sleep when he’s sleepy. And she was right. We just did.
So my subconscious programming in this regard is totally fine. No hick-ups, thanks to my understanding mother.
However, on the other side of the coin, I was seriously bullied in school starting at age 4 until age 16, which is most of all the crucial years where our subconscious work is done, so to speak.
So in this regard, my subconscious programming says it’s OK to be bullied. Because that’s what it learned to be an everyday occurrence.
On one hand I grew up free of any stress at home, and on the other hand I created a serious stomach ulcer at age 14, due to the stress I was living at school.
What did these two subconscious programming facts were going to do when I’d be looking for a partner?
I’d be looking for someone who wasn’t allowed to express any emotion and most likely was reared by strict parents, and turned out to be a bully himself because of it.
Because a person that has been deprived of showing emotions is going to be attracted to someone who has no problem with her emotions, so it can feel the subconscious emotional void they are craving to fill.
However, if that person who is looking to fill that emotional void is also a bully, he’s going to be attracted to someone who both is free emotionally, but whom subconscious mind says it’s OK to be bullied.
This unfortunate mixture made me a “perfect” match for a bully that was forbidden emotions.
And I sure did. I always managed to attract this very singular type of man.
Because subconscious programming + law of attraction never fail. It’s one of the laws of the universe in which we live.
In fact, I was always attracting the same person with just different bodies, you could say.
It worked every time. Because that’s how we attract our relationships.
It’s all an inside subconscious work, even though you may think that it’s a conscious choice.
This is why, before you enter a relationship you need to know yourself deep down inside, and question WHY you are attracted to that person.
The Vital Question you need to Ask yourself when you Start a Relationship
A very important question you need to ask yourself when you feel attracted to someone and thinking about starting a relationship is…
What could I subconsciously be looking for in that person?
Because in one way or another, you are going to be a match to someone who is going to be filling your voids and vice versa.
That’s why when we say “perfect match in even” we don’t even know how true that is. The only problem is what type of “perfect match” we’re talking about.
If you have been attracting the same type of partners so far, and if they were not the type of people you wanted to attract anymore, you need to do two things.
- Fix that subconscious programming of yours, which keeps leading you into the wrong relationship.
- Stop starting relationships until it’s fixed.
Rushing into a relationship when we are not fully aware of our subconscious problems (when it’s obvious that we have some based on our past experiences) it’s like to keep filling up a bucket of water before we fix the hole.
Truth be told, it’s very hard for you to discover your own negative programming. It’s like trying to spot a stain on your own face without a mirror.
However, it’s way easier to get to know what’s going on in your subconscious mind with the help of a coach. A coach is really like a mirror to the person that’s being coached.
Conclusion
If you have been attracting Mr. or Mrs. Wrong your whole life, It’s because you’ve been attracting people whom you had to fill a void for or people who had to fill yours.
This type of matching, never works, because it’s like one problem multiplied by two, or one problem that becomes two problems.
This is why so many relationships are set to fail from the get-go, and are doomed.
Don’t make that mistake again, or ever.
It’s your duty to know yourself better and be better prepared to enter a healthy relationship and let go of the ones that are infected with a serious ailment that can only be fixed from the inside.
I hope that if feel that you’ve been attracting the wrong person one after the other, you’ll be wanting to know yourself better before you’re looking for another relationship.
In the meantime, please, leave your comments or questions below.
Wow, Sylviane, that’s a lot to think about and analyze. My parents rarely showed emotion as I was a child and into adulthood. I wonder what that means.
I wonder why we can’t fill our own voids with work or a hobby instead?
You really got me thinking Sylviane….
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Hi Lisa,
I LOVE it when I make people think;) That’s what I do. That’s what best coaches do, I think.
People who don’t show emotion are actually just as emotional as anyone else. Any “normal” human being has to have emotions. But usually when people don’t show emotions is because that’s what they were taught as children. Usually not in so many words, but it was an underlining rule in the house. Your parents had probably buried they showing of emotions a long time ago.
Most people who show a lot of emotions, whom we call “emotional people” usually were allowed to be emotional as children. There’s no mystery, it’s all there.
Actually, Lisa, people do fill their emotional voids and gaps with hobbies and stuff. At a very severe level of that, we find the serial killers.
When it comes to relationships, we fall right into the trap of matching another person like us, or the perfect gap filler which is actually bad news, in this case.
I hope this post helped you see relationships in a different light.
Thanks for coming and commenting.
~Sylviane
Wow Sylviane,
Seems like we walked the same path from stomach ulcers at a young age, bullying, and then attracting negative relationships…Until we learned!
I so relate to this post and it is so true. I had attracted relationships that didn’t stand a chance because of my subconscious programming. Until one day Enough was Enough. I had to do some serious work on myself and I did.
Along came David. A man whom I would never expect to ever even date because of his empathy and kindness. 25 years later, I’m still with the “man of my dreams” Positive Dreams.
If I didn’t do the work on my self, I would have not been accepting of his love.
-Donna
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Amen, to that Donna.
I am so GLAD that you, out of all people, can say that what I’m saying here is so. Because, like me you’be been there and done that, and your spiritual field of knowledge also taught you all that as well. I know that you know 🙂
Problem is, are the people who REALLY need to read this will read it? I guess they will if they are ready to hear it, but they won’t if they’re not ready. At least that’s how I think it.
Personal development, meditation, tapping, third eye opening and so on… have helped me to write this type of articles right now. I hope some people can resonate with them.
Thank you so much for your precious input.
~Sylviane
Hi Sylvianne,
I’m so sorry your were bullied in school! I too was bullied so I know how harmful that can be. Thankfully, I grew out of the “poor me” and took the higher road. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. I learned to hide my feelings because I didn’t want to hurt my mother or father. In private, I would break down, then suck it up. Even at my own mother’s funeral at 11 years old, I never showed a tear. I was trying to be strong for my father and brother.
Fast forward to me older years and I hooked up one with dysfunctional man after another. The difference know was I had a voice. I learned to not keep everything inside and let it out so I wouldn’t self-destruct. I’m very open with my feelings now. However, the man I married is an emotionless one, specifically due to the military. It’s hard to live that kind of lifestyle when you don’t know what the other is feeling or thinking. I slowly can work somethings out of him, but not often.
Enough of me, I hope that you will be able to attract the person of your dreams and find true love and happiness. Happy Friday!
B
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Hi Brenda,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I see you had it tough. Indeed it’s hard to live with someone who doesn’t show any emotions.
I’m perfectly alright right now, and not looking for anyone. He will comes if he comes, don’t really care at this point, because I’m very busy with myself, so to speak. I’ve always been very independent.
The funny thing is that I recently met a woman who told me that if she were to lose her husband she would want to spend the rest of her days alone, and she’s about my age. That woman is also super independent, so I wasn’t even surprised she told me that.
In any case, I am not looking for someone to complete me 🙂 none of that stuff for me. I’m working on completing myself. I feel better than ever 🙂
Thanks for coming, and have a great day!
Hi Sylviane,
This really made me think about some of the relationships in my life. Sometimes, we look for people to share our lives who are the opposite of us. If we’re introvert, we fall for extroverts and vice-versa. Almost as foils for what we find hard.
Bullying is a big problem. I think its affect on mental health is huge but not spoken about
enough, especially in small business and entrepreneurship. I think, often, people who become sole businesses and entrepreneurs are often former survivors of bullying, rather than the other way round (as many might think). It’s the wish and need to prove themselves and also not to be in that pack mentality that continues from classroom to office.
When business is moving towards a more emotional way of thinking, it can be hard for many people with this thinking though.
Thanks for raising this important topic and being so willing to share your story with us.
-Tom
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Hi Sylvianne,
What an awesome post you’ve got here, it’s an eye opener.
Isn’t it amazing how what happens to us end up affecting us in other areas of our lives.
Never reall gave thought in this way to the conscious and the sub-conscious mind.
Thanks for this enlightenment, it’s well appreciated.
Cheers
Dan
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Hi Dan,
I glad you enjoyed this post which was something of a new topic for you.
Glad you came and read this.
Have a great day!
I’m readin’ ya Sylviane!
I too had a warm and nurturing upbringing, and was seriously bullied as a child.
I still carry the scar tissue!
Partly due to those hurtful experiences and partly due to my upbringing and my natural personality, my outer veneer is very reserved (if you believe in astrology I am a Cancer – i hide the real me with my protective shell) . But peel back the layers and ka-boom – I’m a wild and whacky guy!
Regarding close relationships, I never really had a problem in terms of having a series of broken romances etc. I was married to one woman for 30+ years. It was essentially dysfunctional but the powerful forces of love kept us together till she died 4 years ago.
But since then…….
Umm
It ain’t easy
Thanks Sylviane – great post
Kim
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Hi Kim,
Very interesting what you’re saying here, I’m a lot like you in the sense that I’m both reserved and very free at the same time, just not all with the same people I’d say, and depending on how much I trust the person.
Sorry to hear about your wife’s passing.
Well, now you can make an educated decision about potential relationships.
Thanks for your visit.
I had a lot of support and grew up in a good family, but if anything, I have always been timid and afraid to express myself. I am doing better recently and am passionate, but don’t like to rock the boat or risk hurting someone’s feelings. I don’t tend to spek up enough in a relationship. I can’t decide if it’s a good or a bad thing that I don’t tend to fight a lot with a partner. I guess my biggest fear is that nobody will want me, but that is why I am trying to work on myself, now that I’ve been single. I think independence is great and knowing oneself is vital, but I also believe humans are social and need love and closeness and intimacy, as long as we are happy and not being hurt or stifled. It’s just that most people can’t find a happy medium. Too many extremes.
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Hi Sylviane
I have came across your great web site today. I see that you’re life coach. Great. I’m too. I’m an astrologer from 1990 and later on took also three years NLP trainer and coaching program. I’m too dealing with partnerships, yet in another way. I’m and astrologer and I’m trying to help people though awareness of themselves and of course through compatibily between them. I’ll be very happy, when you would see my page and maybe, if it is going with you, make a link to your subscribers on your web page.
Thank you.
Wish you a very good day,
Vojko
Vojko J Kalan invites you to read..A Masked Klown – December 2014
Hi Vojko,
Thank you for coming and I’ll come around to visit your site and looking forward to get to know you.
Have a great day!
~Sylviane