You’ve had your share of hard time and pain.
From a young age you were told and taught that in order to see good things happening, you had to get through the bad. In order to see relief, you have to get through pain, and that’s just a part of life. Right?
But is that really so?
Do we need to go through hard times to get to a good place?
Is suffering really necessary to get to happiness?
Before I go on about this topic, I wanted to apologize to you for having been missing in action on my blog, but it wasn’t because of anything bad. As a matter of fact, it’s been all good things that have kept me very busy.
One such thing is that I’m preparing a knock out webinar about attracting money like you’ve never heard before, and I’m pretty confident about that.
The people who are helping me to put this webinar together and who heard it the other day, loved it. So, please, sign up at the end of this post if you’d be interested in attending my upcoming webinar about attracting more money in to your life.
The other reason I’ve been missing in action is that I’m tuning some things up, before coming back strong.
This said, let’s move on with our topic at end.
Do we Need to Suffer to get Rewards?
Do tough times make you stronger?
Good questions, aren’t they?
However, the answer is not as simple as you may think. And maybe quite the opposite of what you are used to believe.
The truth is that tough times don’t always make you stronger. Rather, it often makes you weaker, but let me explain.
Let’s say you are being bullied in school, is it going to make you stronger, or weaker?
Let’s say you have tough parents that are too strict, is it going to make you stronger, or weaker?
Let’s say you’ve been criticized unjustly, is it going to make you stronger, or weaker?
I could go on and on with this…
The truth is that none of those is going to make you stronger. On the contrary, at least for a while, it most likely will make you weaker.
The reason why this is so, it’s because we are not here to suffer and go through tough times. It’s our upbringing and our ignorance about the laws of the universe that make us live through tough times, but it’s not “natural.”
Look at nature around you. Look at trees growing, flower blooming, the earth rotating like a clock to face the sun at the right time at the right place. Does any of that is a testimony of struggle?
Hardly.
Anything that struggles, is a testimony to resistance, and resistance is not natural.
Where does this Belief Start?
It all starts with two main beliefs.
– Nothing truly valuable is easily acquired.
– Our happiness depends on others.
Most people on the surface of the earth believe that their happiness depends on other’s behavior and actions.
While we are beings that need company to be more complete, our deep down happiness is an individual work. We need to be happy from the inside out, because if we’re not happy in the first place, no one can make us.
Since the beginning of time people have tried to make others behave in a way that make them feel good.
It was the very pitfall of my last relationship. That poor guy always wanted ME to make HIM feel good, and he was blaming ME, for feeling bad.
The truth behind it all was that he had a very painful childhood, where it was believed that that you must go through some pain and suffering, in order to come out victorious on the other end.
The problem is that there is no such thing, so the pain and suffering never stopped. He was miserable in the inside, and was looking for someone outside of him to make him feel good.
The more you inflict pain and suffering on a child, the less likely he will ever appreciate anything good.
because if pain and suffering is what a child has known from the start, and pain and suffering is what has been programmed in his subconscious mind, it will make sure to deliver to him all throughout his life.
Pain and punishment doesn’t make us happier in the end. Pain and punishment only make us more bitter, depressed, and lost.
Where does the Teaching of Pain come from?
The human race has developed the teaching of pain, because they have forgotten where they come from and what “exciting” really means. They have even created religions and governments that only confused them more.
However, there is no doubt that the human family is growing mentally. That’s why we don’t believe the same things that we used to believe thousands and hundreds of years ago.
As a matter of fact, we don’t even believe what we used to belief as little as 50, or 30 years ago.
A good example of that is that we don’t really believe in hitting children anymore, while it was worldly sprayed in a rather recent past.
That’s because the human mind is becoming more and more mature, at least for most of our societies, and we have come to understand that helping a child to reason is way more advantageous than hitting him or her.
This said, however, it doesn’t mean that societies that have been freer to evolve don’t have some residues of old beliefs. It’s far from being the case actually. We may be a step further, but it doesn’t mean that we are totally out of the bush.
What I’m saying here, is that the teaching of pain being good is still worldly spread.
But why?
We are Taught that Pain is Valuable
The teaching of pain being valuable is still very common, and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere just yet. But at least, more and more people in the western world are starting to understand some fundamental truths that we are going to discuss later.
In the meantime, from the dawn of our collected history books, pain has been valued, and put on a pedestal in such a way that we’ve created sayings in all languages that translates that pain is good, and pain is necessary.
Here are some common statements of the English language:
“No pain, no gain”
“Save for a rainy day”
“God said it will be worth it, but he didn’t say it would be easy”
“Rewards comes to those who work hard”
“Life is hard”
Of course there are many more out there, but they all say the same thing. They are all saying that:
- Pain is what it cost to get relief
- Pain is something we need to expect
As a very insightful coach I know once said; “Of course people need to save for a rainy day, they’ve been taught to expect the rainy day anyway.” Now, tell me about being taught that pain is something you’ve got to expect!
Since we’ve believed that for thousands of years. Since it’s what we’ve learned from our parents, who learned it from their parents, it’s what we are supposed to believe.
That’s why we do things that we don’t like to do, and that’s why we are making our children do what they don’t like to either.
Because, remember? No pain no gain.
But if this wasn’t bad enough, because we’ve so well accepted that pain is a natural step to go through, we have learned NOT to trust our inner guidance system, while our inner guidance system is the thing that we should always trust first and foremost.
So, yes, we can say that the false belief of thinking that pain is rewarding is not only stupid, but border line dangerous in some cases, because it makes us deny our very inner guidance system which by nature will make us avoid pain.
Pause for a minute or two, and try to remember times when you didn’t listen to your intuition, while your whole being was telling you to. How did it go for you?
If you are honest, I’m sure that you’ve realized that you should have listened to your inner guiding system that we call intuition.
What you Expect always Comes True
I’m preparing a guest post where I will be fully explaining why and how you create your own reality, but for now I’ll just say this, as an appetizer for this guest post that you’ll be able to read on someone else’s blog.
Yes, what you expect always comes true. No wonder you’ve been having some hard times.
Now, let me ask you , how often do you wake up with a smile expecting that everything in your life will go well?
How many times do you tell yourself not to worry, because everything will fall into place?
How many times have you told yourself that you don’t have to suffer to get anything in life?
How many times have you told yourself that life doesn’t have to be hard?
Now I know what you’re going to say, everything out there proved you right so far.
Well, everything that you see and experience in this life, is what you create subconsciously. And unless you’re willing to accept that truth, you will continue wondering why.
You’re not at fault, though. You grew up being programmed that pain is natural, and that you must go through it. It’s part of life, right?
But how about I can help you see that’s all a big lie?
Stay tuned for more info about how you can create a much better reality for yourself.
If you want to learn how to attract more money the easy way, make sure you get on the list to get to known the exact date and time of the webinar.
Hi Sylviane,
I really appreciate that I ran into this post, because I am going through perhaps the toughest period of my life right now. I don’t care to admit it, people certainly wouldn’t know it, but it’s true.
I lost someone who was like a daughter to me, and I have been a psychological wreck since then. Certainly the most amount of pain I have ever felt in my life, everything else is pale in comparison. While I do not think that pain is inherently valuable, I do think I have learned a lot about myself and about life through it. I appreciate what I had more, and I appreciate the things I still have. Then again, I never experienced much pain growing up, and I certainly do not think the pain I am feeling now is beneficial.
You make many great points here that really resonate with me. Just this morning, I was talking with my father regarding a business transaction that didn’t go through. He just told me, “Life is full of disappointments.” I don’t think it needs to be, even if that is how it is for many people. As you say, if you expect that to happen, it will come true, and you will let it get to you.
I have tried to minimize the possibility of these things happening by relying as little on other people as possible for happiness, and making sure the majority of factors that influence my happiness are under my control. It has worked for most of my life, but with my recent loss, I am struggling to get back on track. This post has really got me thinking, I hope to figure out how to fix myself soon.
– James McAllister
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Hi James,
First off, I’m so, so glad you came to read my blog post. I know you from a distance, I would say. I’ve been to your blog a couple times, and I think that you are doing a fantastic job.
I’m so sorry about your lost. Losing someone we love is by far the HARDEST thing one goes through, because we so miss the one we’ve lost. But another reason we suffer is that we don’t understand death because it’s not something that anyone taught us about. However, sine I know many people now who are clairvoyant, extra censorial, and other psychics who have taught me that death is not the end, and the reason why is that life as we know it is just a short part of our existence. It’s only because I know this now, that I’ve managed to go through the loss of my mom last year. It doesn’t make it good, but it makes it easier.
Here you have a great example of the dark thought pattern that’s CONSTANTLY going on in people’s mind. That person who told you “life is full of disappointments” no doubt sees a lot of them, but it’s ONLY because he expects it. And because he expects it, according to his statement, that he gets lots of it.
That’s why I love my work. Trying to help people with those sick thought patterns of theirs that’s ruining their life.
Thank you so much for your input, and I truly hope that you will find some comfort in your grief.
~Sylviane
Hey Sylviane,
This is a timeless post and I would sat that most people have this belief of in order to be successful you must go through pain. I still have this belief lingering in me, but now I’m looking at it diffrently.
For instance failure. I look at failure more as a learning tool than an obstacle, but still I have the feeling of disappointment, frustration and distress sometimes. But its definitely a process to think of it as a tool.
But I can see how pain can make anyone weaker. For one I see it as a way to become stagnant in life. You develop these beliefs that as a result won’t let you go beyond a specific threshold. How many people we know that are stuck in a position they hate to be in because of the limiting beliefs they have?
I could go on but I won’t. This post was definitely therapeutic and a great reminder that we don’t have to go through pain to get what we want.
Thanks for sharing Sylviane! Have a great day!
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Hi Sherman,
The teaching of pain being beneficial is so prevalent even in the western world, still, and it might take another few generations to go away totally if ever. However, there are more and more extra senatorial teachers on this planet, and because of the help of the internet, those ideas are more and more spread about and more available to those who are ready to receive them.
I’m so glad that you enjoy this kind of topic. You rock!
~Sylviane
Hi Sylviane,
What a great subject and I can definitely relate to this one only because of the education I continue to get as to why these things happen.
Like Sherman said, I look at things differently now then I ever did before. That’s because of what I have learned about my own beliefs and way of thinking. We don’t know what we don’t know right! So until you know better you’ll never do better.
I don’t believe that anyone should ever suffer and it’s not necessary in order to live a great life. We all learn lessons along the way and we all at times fail. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing though because the way I look at that is maybe I wasn’t meant to do that or take that road so that’s why it failed. Or maybe I needed to view this a different way so that can end up being a good thing instead of a bad. Once again, it’s all how you look at things.
I continue to learn every single day and I’m growing and I’m getting better and better. That’s the wonderful part of life and of course I wish that for everyone.
By the way, I’m excited about your upcoming webinar and I know it will be a success.
~Adrienne
Adrienne invites you to read..Not Sure This Whole Blogging Thing Will Work Out For You?
Hi Adrienne,
Yes, we all grow more and more every day and learn to think differently. At least if we are open minded.
I am so glad that I had a mother that didn’t believe in pain at all, so me and my brother were never “made” to do things that we didn’t need to do, but I really feel for those who learned that suffering is good from their own parents. In my case, I had school for that and that was plenty enough.
I’m so glad that you continue your journey of learning about yourself, and that you are always spreading joy around you.
Thank you. I am pretty happy with the content of my webinar. I feel that some people will have a few aha moments. Very excited too.
Have a great rest of the week!
~Sylviane
Hi Sylviane,
This is such an important post to read for anyone. I really do not believe that you need to go through suffering to be happy or successful. However, if you had to suffer, do know that it’s only a passing phase, and that’s easy if you truly believe in and focus on happiness.
Similarly, smart work is more important than hard work, but one should never shy away from doing hard work if it comes down to it.
As you said, ultimately, what’s most important is our mindset, our attitude, and perspective. Happiness is a state of the mind and you can use your thoughts to create one for you. But we are not always good at that because it requires self-control and making efforts. Anything worthwhile requires efforts but becomes easy if you have positive and strong beliefs.
I think learning from different situations depends on how we react to them or view them. Sometimes, tough times can make you stronger but that depends on many aspects. Having said that, it is not necessary to go through tough times to be happy. But you should know how to deal with such times if ever you face them.
Undoubtedly, our beliefs and experiences shape our life. We are also born with certain scripts or create one for ourselves consciously or subconsciously. We are programmed by others or self-program ourselves in certain ways to deal with happiness. But I agree with you that happiness is an inside job. You really do not have to depend on anything, anybody, or any event to be happy.
We do need to understand ourselves better in order to remove the blockages or obstacles to our personal growth. Sometimes, its difficult to work on ourselves and we need to seek help of others. But I agree that instead of focusing on and expecting pain, one should focus on love or happiness, and expect them. I totally agree with you that we need to trust our inner guidance system, which will take us on the right path of least difficulties.
Thanks for this wonderful post and good to have you back – I too am just back and gathering my strings around 🙂
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Hi Harleena,
Indeed, not looking for hard times doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t learn how to live with them if they do come around.
I personally went through a lot of hard times in my life, and I’ve learned how to deal with it pretty well, that’s what makes me a better coach, because at least I can understand tough situations. if anything, that’s what my hard times are useful for.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and my readers.
Hi Sylviane,
Interesting topic!
While I don’t believe that people have to experience suffering, hardship or pain to be happy (let’s have less of it!), the fact is that all of us at some point, will struggle with some issue in our lives. I know that James is facing a tough period as a result of a personal loss, which is especially painful when it happens at such a young age (or is it?)
But the real question for me is ‘how do we handle it? Do we treat it as a learning experience and look for positive outcomes, or do we recoil from it, and become diminished people?
You say that ‘anything that struggles, is a testimony to resistance, and resistance is not natural’. Do my question for you is this? Doesn’t a chick face resistance when it’s trying to break out of its shell? Seems she does, and if she doesn’t push forward with her struggle, she will perish, right?
I appreciate this post – it’s a real thought provoker. But it does promote/provoke some questions that are natural for a curious guy like me.
Keep being passionate!
Kim
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Hi Kim,
Totally true. If we do face tough times, and God know I’ve had my share of it, it’s how we react that’s going to make us or break us.
When it comes to the chick beak out of it’s shell, it’s the same thing as a baby being born, it’s a challenge to go through the unborn state to the being born state, but it’s also something that we as well as the chick (I’m sure) don’t even recall. It’s a bit like dying, which is again passing from being alive in the body form to another form, it also can be painful, but once it’s over, it’s over.
You’re right, this type of post always provoke some questions 🙂
I’m glad you appreciate this type of topics, and you always bring some interesting points.
Hi Sylviane,
What a great post and at the same time an extremely challenging topic.
I agree with you about our programming and subconscious thinking that leads to sabotage.
I also think that pain and suffering is many times thrust upon us and how do we deal with it? How do we overcome it?
Those are real questions as well and that’s where our experience, programming and our maturity kick in, or at least it ought to.
Is suffering needed to create happiness?
Yes and no in my opinion.
Suffering can lead to happiness if we remember that the suffering served a purpose that is ultimately a positive one. It’s all in how we choose to experience life and accept the hardships that come with it.
Life is cyclical. There are hard times and good times. In the good times it can be enhanced by remembering where we’ve come from and in that light how good it is right now in comparison.
But, suffering can also lead to more suffering… There is an element of choice in this and how we choose to see the world.
So, on one hand it’s simple… but on the other hand it’s not simple at all.
Great question Sylviane and I wish I had a simple answer. Sometimes there just isn’t one.
Fantastic and thought provoking!!!!
Have a great week Syvliane and thanks for asking me to think about this as my and my family celebrate Thanksgiving this week in the States.
~ Don Purdum
Don Purdum invites you to read..The Good and Bad: Why Artificial Intelligence is About to Transform Your Business and What You Can Do about It!
Hi Don,
Well that was an over due reply here if any. Sorry for the huge delay 🙂
The ONLY times suffering is useful it’s if it wakes the person up, so to speak, and makes them be more thankful for what they have, and make them live life more fully or better. So in such case, I agree suffering would be beneficial.
However, I’ve just heard some sad news lately about a young man I met not too long ago in England, which case proves that more often than not suffering brings more suffering. And that suffering in this case ended in the death of the person. And I’m not even someone who sees death as an end or a very bad thing like many people do, but let’s say that his death is bringing more suffering to his parents right now for sure.
All in all, if we can avoid suffering, then let’s avoid it by any mean, starting by making sure that we are not attracting it subconsciously, as it usually is the case.
Thank you for your comment, and even if I took that long to reply, always appreciate it.
Hi Sylviane,
You’ve certainly given me cause for thought, here.
Of course, I’ve had many painful experiences in my life, from death of many loved ones, to minor disappointments. Even minor losses, though, are pain points.
We are told that addressing people’s “pain points” is the most effective sales technique, and I guess it’s because, as you’ve pointed out here… people expect pain and disappointment, so they identify with sales messages that tap into that.
I think that we all know bad things, painful things will happen. Everybody will die one day, for instance, and we can’t avoid that reality. But it’s what we focus on that makes the biggest difference in our mindset.
As you’ve said here, “what you expect always comes true.” It’s important to focus on happiness rather than suffering because that’s the mindset that we’ll live our lives on a day to day basis. Obviously, if we expect to have a wonderful day, but in fact we have a heart attack, our expectation does not come to fruition. But if focusing on our expected happiness, we live in that happiness right up to the moment that it is disrupted. If we focus on suffering, then that’s where we’ll live our lives, at least that will become our mindset, rather than one of happiness.
-Donna
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Hi Donna,
Of course there always will be some events that are going to make us sad. Losing someone we love, whether it’s a human or a pet is painful for the one who’s alive. No doubt.
I still have my moments thinking about my mom, my cats, my brother who I can’t find, but at the same time since I choose to focus on happiness and living in the moment, it’s working very well for me.
I know too well about some people who have spent a life time on focusing on negative stuff, and all I can say is that their life was not pretty, because it just reflected that fact.
If we start focusing on happiness and expecting it as you said, we are bound to reap more of it.
I hope you’re doing well, Donna, and thanks for coming. So sorry for the late reply, by the way 🙂
I guess it’s the accepting of sadness as part of the human condition that’s required for serenity. Because all feelings are transitory, the good news is that the sadness will lift and bad news is that those moments joy and elation will also cease. And if sadness isn’t understood and handled in a healthy way, there is the risk that it can spiral into depression. A very insightful blog and ironically a joy to read. Thanks
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Hi Manish,
So well said. Since there is going to be some sadness around, it’s vital that we learn to manage it.
I agree that it would be a huge mistake to try to ignore it and as you said it could spiral to something way worst. If sadness is here, we must deal with the cause in order to get better.
So glad you enjoyed the read, and thanks for coming.
~Sylviane
Hi Sylviane,
Well, I am so glad that you mentioned the guest post you were working on because I’m hoping people get a chance to read it. I’ve made it a point to leave the commentluv link to it here – hoping people will see it and follow along to compliment what you’ve written here.
It wasn’t too long ago that I had come to the realization that I actually didn’t have to suffer – even though I frequently did. I’d had this (erroneous) belief that if I did suffer, it would have “earned” me the happiness I so desperately wanted.
I decided that I was probably addicted to contrast – if that makes sense.
Suffering is only necessary when we don’t acknowledge the whisper. The way I see it, our intuition is the whisper. When we don’t listen, it gets louder. Then it’ll yell, then scream and then life smacks you upside the head.
It only has to get loud when we don’t acknowledge our feelings and take some action. This would be the ONLY reason to suffer…but because so many of us intellectualize or medicate our pain away, we don’t get a chance to observe ourselves and we instead remain focused on external circumstances instead. So life yells at us loudly, and then we do suffer.
That no pain no gain phrase has done more damage in the health and fitness industry than most people realize. It isn’t to be taken objectively – and when it is, we suffer needlessly.
Looking forward to the webinar 🙂
Dana invites you to read..Why You Are the Creator of Your Own Experience (and What You Can Do About It)
Hi Dana,
No worries, the post is now showing as a link now. Sorry about that, but my system automatically requires at least 10 comments before showing the commentluv link. However that seems weird to me because I would have thought that you had more than 10 comments. Either way, from now how your links will show. I fixed it manually.
I love what you’re saying here, that if we listen to that little voice called intuition much suffering would be avoided. It so made me think of my last boyfriend where that poor little voice was screaming at me don’t do it and I did it anyway. Well, that brought me my share of suffering, let me tell you. So, you are right on with that.
True, that no pain no grain is used a lot in health and fitness, and that’s a shame. But you probably know more about that than anyone I know.
Thank you for your excellent input as always, Dana.
Hey Sylviane,
I’ve definitely left more than 10 comments, but recently I’ve been using a different email address. That’s probably why. It happened with several of the other blogs I had visited after changing the email address (because of the different blog altogether).
Also wanted to quickly mention that I was in attendance for your webinar. Loved it, and from the look of things, it seemed to be a packed event (100 out of 100 available “seats”). Nice job 🙂
Hi Dana,
Ah, that explains it. That’s why.
Oh, nice to hear that you were on the webinar. I guess it wasn’t too bad for my first 🙂 Thank you.
Thanks for providing this nice article. This is really helpful for me.After reading this complete article, I would say that you rocked this article. ?
You had covered all the major things in this article and made it helpful.
Hum… Did you read it?
Sorry to ask, but from your comment I can’t tell.
But if you did, you are the one who will benefit from it indeed. So good for you.
Thanks for coming.
~Sylviane
Nothing is permanent in this world, even not the sorrow. But, any success is hardly earned through struggle. We all face some hurdles in life, go through very tough time for a phase may be short or long and finally we achieve satisfaction or joy. When we really get happiness after a long struggles, it really feels awesome and proudly. Nice thought anyway. I fully appreciate the thought-process that the author underwent before writing this brilliant article.
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Hello there (no name),
Well, the author would be me. My name is Sylviane Nuccio, and it’s on my blog, but if you did read the article I thank you for that and I’m glad you enjoyed it.
True, everything evolves all the time, and nothing stays the same, even unhappiness doesn’t last as long as we don’t invite it to stay.
Thanks for coming and hope you’ll come back.
~Sylviane
yes we had to suffer alot to give happiness to others but to spread happiness gives you calm
everthing comes and goes money fame and even life but one thing will be remembered is your characters
I’m of the opinion that pain and suffering to succeed is way overrated! lol I know there are a lot of people who think that, and that none of us can know true happiness unless we’ve had to suffer… phooey! I don’t have to jump off a bridge without a parachute to know that’s going to feel unpleasant when I hit the ground do I?
Truth be told, none of us have to have pain and suffering… but almost all of us have some degree of distress crop up from time to time. That’s just life; we don’t like it, we certainly don’t need it, but we have to figure out how to get beyond it. However, as you said, not all pain and suffering can be overcome, and certainly not easily.
I’d rather not deal with it at all…
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Hi Mitch,
You said it, no need to jump off a bridge to know it will hurt, but have to do to feel better afterward.
What most people don’t know is that most of us get to suffer because of subconscious issues. We bring it upon ourselves without ever knowing it. Most people will even deny that in the first place, so there is no end the vicious circle here.
Thanks you for coming by Mich and Merry Christmas to you!
~Sylviane