Don’t you love it when someone reach out to you because of a blog post or article you’ve written?
Well, I’ll tell you that if the article in question happens to be one that discuss a very important social issue, not only you would be glad to extend a helping hand, but it would even motivate you to write another post. So this is what I’m doing here.
Few days ago I’ve received an email from a young woman who had just read my blog post about the effects of bullying which I have written almost a year ago. She wrote me to ask for advice. She was saying that she had been bullied in the past in grade school, and that as a result of it she was struggling with self-esteem.
In her message she mentioned something very important. She said that she showed people the timid side of her for fear of confrontation and teasing.
As I looked back at my own years of being bullied, I realized that for the most part, the reason why we let people, step on us, spit on us, call us names, or even tease us in a mean and sarcastic way, it’s because we want to avoid confrontation above all else. In her sentence I caught that most important word; “fear.” Indeed, many of us, simply fear confrontation.
The question is WHY?
Why are we Afraid of Confrontation?
When I look back on my own experience with bullying, I can see very clearly now, that I was trying very hard not to be confrontational with my aggressors. I realize that my fear of confrontation was due to the fact that I was convinced – I believed strongly – that confrontation was going to be more painful than endurance. Of course, I was wrong, but unfortunately, that’s what young people who are being bullied truly believe.
Young people who let others bully them want to avoid pain, but by doing so, they are actually adding more pain.
This is due to the fact that our subconscious job is to always choose the easiest, less confrontational path. So instead of facing the situation “which our subconscious mind believes is painful,” we thus chose the next best thing, which is doing nothing and endure.
You see, our brain, our mind and subconscious mind, all of it, always try to avoid the most challenging path and opt for this easiest one, that’s when dear old fear sets in, to prevent us from choosing the hardest, most challenging option that we have available.
One Important Thing to Remember
A close friend of mine, once told me that he was a bully nightmare, because he would actually defend people being bullied by confronting bullies. He scared the bullies, by coming out stronger than them. Not necessarily physically stronger, but stronger in energy, presence and personality.
In my reply to this young lady I said one of the things I always say when I speak of the subject of bullying. Aggressive people are exactly like aggressive dogs. They will attack you if they feel that you’re scared. If you have an aggressive dog and put two people in front of him, one scared and the other not, the dog is going to go for the scared one, and so is the bully.
It doesn’t matter if it’s physical, verbal or emotional bullying. It’s all the same, it’s always directed at the ones who are afraid and scared, and it’s usually delivered by the same people – the bully type people.
When you are being bullied in any way, what you must remember is that, even though you may be afraid of confrontation, you’re not the problem. They are.
As I have mentioned in my previous post on this subject, bullies are very unhappy kids (or adults) with enough issues to keep a therapist busy for a while. Most of those issues are brought on by their parents, tutors, teachers, etc. They are venting their own frustrations on others, thus they are attacking people that they feel are weak.
So, how can you get stronger and make sure you’re never bullied again?
Being Confrontational doesn’t mean to be Violent and it doesn’t Hurt
Learn to understand that confrontation doesn’t hurt, and embrace your fears.
You can confront someone who is trying to harm you either physically or emotionally by defending yourself in a non- violent manner. I know it can be scary, but embrace your fears. I promise it feels so good!
Actually, non-violent confrontation is much, much powerful than trying to get into a fight, but it has to come from within. You need to build that strength inside you to be able to not only confront any bully by your inner strength, but actually not attracting them around you anymore.
As I was telling this young woman in need of advice, you can build that inner strength by doing few simple exercises, such as these…
1) Affirmations in Front of a Mirror
Repeat affirmative positive statements in front of a mirror 5 minutes in the morning before you start your day, and 5 minutes at night before you go to bed.
Here are some great affirmations that if done every day for a while will do wonders for you:
- I love you, I truly love you.
- I love knowing that I am in the process of building my confidence more and more each and every day.
- I love knowing that I am in the process of building my self-esteem more and more each day.
- I wish the best to the people who are bullying me as I understand that what they are projecting is their own weaknesses and lack of confidence.
- I love knowing that I’m actually much stronger than they are, and that I know better than them already, as I’m doing those affirmations.
- I love knowing that I’m getting bolder and bolder, and speak for myself more and more.
- I love knowing that my self-confidence and self-esteem are getting stronger each and every day.
- The stronger I feel the more people love and respect me.
- I rejoice that the (Universe) or (God) is giving me the strength and power that I need to feel confident and secure.
2) Learn How to Practice EFT
You can also do affirmations along with EFT (emotional freedom technique) which I suggest you learn about and start doing on a regular basis. Go to my page where I explain what EFT is and how it works.
You can also find tons of videos on YouTube that will show you how it’s done. EFT is easy, and it really works, because it touches two vital areas at the same time – energy and mind.
3) Meditation
Try to meditate for 20 minutes each night as you lay in bed. If you need guidance with meditation, here again, there are plenty of videos online that will guide you with meditation. Every night I go to bed with my tablet and my headphones and do meditation for about 20 minutes just before I fall asleep.
Over time, meditation will empower you from the inside out. You will feel stronger, more confident, more secure and more in tuned.
Conclusion
Don’t let insecurities of others get to you. You have the power to fight back in a peaceful, yet very powerful way. So if you are having some insecurity issues due to past or present bullying, don’t sit there and accept this anymore. Take your power back, and see what happens!
Please, leave your comments and inputs down below!
Photo Credits: FreeDigtialPhotos.net
HI Sylviane,
Absolutely! I love it too when people message or email me about the post I write and how much they learnt from my post, or then they ask for feedback and suggestions, which was another reason I recently started the ‘Blogging’ niche at my blog because it becomes tough to answer ALL their queries, and the feedback through the never ending comments of people is amazing!
I agree with you there, the people who bully you, will do more of it once they know you are scared, and sadly, when you face such situations, you are in a fix and don’t know how or what to do – most of which happens when you are young, isn’t it?
Loved your tips to gain inner strength, which we all need to do. Self affirmation in front of the mirror is the best of all I think, it lifts you up instantly and makes you feel good about yourself and all that you are doing. So is meditation. Have yet to try EFT, which I know you’d written earlier about – just haven’t had time to go through it yet 🙂
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
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Hi Harleena,
Yes, it always feels good when we touch someone with a blog post and that they trust us enough to ask for help.
Yes, the exercises I’m giving here all work great. I do them all myself. EFT is absolutely great. I practice it every day as well.
Thank for coming by first here 🙂
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..Develop The Power Of Not Letting The Insecurities Of Others Get To You
Hi Harleena,
Yes, it always feels good when we touch someone with a blog post and that they trust us enough to ask for help.
Yes, the exercises I’m giving here all work great. I do them all myself. EFT is absolutely great. I practice it every day as well.
Thank for coming by first here
🙂
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..Develop The Power Of Not Letting The Insecurities Of Others Get To You
Hello Ms. Sylviane
I trust all is well.
Love this post .
Bullyin his an epidemic and it’s on the rise.
We both know what the effects of bullying can do to a person.
I love all your tips, but one I still actively use,nis being in front of a mirror and speaking positive affirmations regarding who I am.
We all have that inner strength you spoke about, but many do not believe it.
I was bullied in school for many years, but in am so grateful that now I can help others and pull them out of the ditch.
Currently I am creating a program to use in a non-profit organization in which I am the founder.
Thank God this person reached out to you.
Great post
Gladys
Hi Gladys,
I know that you also are familiar with bullying, and it’s a shame that it’s on the rise, but at least so is the awareness. When I was a kid, at least in French, this behavior was not recognized at all, and it didn’t even have a name. Yet the beast was well and alive.
Oh, you’re going to have to tell me more about your project 🙂
Thank you for your input and have a great weekend!
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..Develop The Power Of Not Letting The Insecurities Of Others Get To You
Hi Sylviane
Bullying is such a huge problem. My hubby when he was a kid he was bullied by a much bigger kid that him and he couldn’t take it anymore and beat the kid with a 2 X 4. All the kids thought he was crazy, but they left him alone after that. That was some 60 years ago and the kid would never tell his father as that would have been to humilating for him. But most of us don’t want to take the chance of getting beat up.
I think for most cases it would probably never happen. When you carry yourself differently it seems to send a message. When I was ready to speak up and decided if this certain person tried anything with me again I was going to give him a piece of my mind and funny thing I didn’t have to.
But bullying in the workplace was a problem and today I can look back at it and know that I will never let anyone treat me that way ever again. Taking a break from the abusive situation can help one get their head on straight as to why they should never put up with it.
I would really like schools to take a zero tolerance policy on bullying. The kind of stuff that goes on at schools would never be allowed in the workplace. Of course the bullying done on jobs is usually not physical, but mental can really mess you up especially if you need the job. Kids don’t have such good coping skills like adults do, but everyone has a breaking point.
Mary
Hi Mary,
I’m so glad for what your husband did when he was a kid. I wish I were there, to watch that!
Usually bullies are actually not strong kids. They are WEAK kids, so if someone shows lack of fear they’ll run like chickens. So, what your husband did was very smart and just the right thing to do.
I remember my mother telling me “beat them, kill them, defend yourself”. But for some reason, I never did. But strangely enough it’s when once they tried to make fun of my little brother (3 years younger than me) that I did get enraged and aggressive toward them. I could do it for my brother, but not for myself.
Today, among adults I’m the very opposite, people don’t usually try to mess with me. I have the reputation of a strong woman. AHA! They don’t me like cats do 🙂
I agree, I think that the way schools handle bullying is a shame. Indeed there should be zero tolerance for it. I don’t think it should be that hard to do.
Thank so much for our input.
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..Develop The Power Of Not Letting The Insecurities Of Others Get To You
Wow Sylviane, she read a post you had from a year back! It must have really spoken to her and I agree, getting emails from people who read about a topic you wrote and asking for help or advice is always a wonderful thing. I’m glad you were able to help her and give her some advice.
I’ve never been bullied but I remember a long time ago back when we were much younger of course. I use to take my brother dancing with me. He was so thin when he was young that we use to call him toothpick. So we were in this club and someone deliberately ran into him and then wanted to pick a fight. I stepped right in between them and called the guy out and even with me being a woman be backed down so quick that he ran off with his tail between his legs. I never let anyone pick on my baby brother but someone who is bigger than him just being mean to be mean really use to get under my skin. I have a very low tolerance for people like that. I guess you could say that I’ve never had low self-esteem and although I’m not a fighter, I would have done it in a heartbeat.
Growing up I never personally witnessed anyone being bullied either and I don’t want to think that I was ignorant of it happening but I never witnessed it nor did anyone I hung around with have that happen to them either. Maybe we just didn’t have that much of it back then. It’s sad to think what some of these kids go through today. I know fighting isn’t the answer but there has got to be something people can do. Education like what you’re sharing is definitely a start.
Thanks for sharing this Sylviane and I hope things are going okay for you today! You’re in my thoughts girl, heavily on my mind.
~Adrienne
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I Adrienne,
I’m days late in my replying to comments due to another full week 🙂 but here I am.
You said it, the very reason you’ve never been bullied is that you always had a healthy self esteem, which certainly wasn’t my case. I mean, I don’t want to show off or anything, but my mother used to tell me how such a beautiful and smart girl can be bullied in school? Back then I didn’t know the answer to that question and neither did she, but I do now. I started school at age 4 and for me being away from home all day was very, very hard mentally. I’ve never been too much of a social butterfly.
At the time my mom and dad were going to a plant they owned early in the morning, and it’s my aunt who used to put me on the school bus. At times I felt so bad about going to school, that I threw up right on the steps of the house while waiting for the bus with my aunt. When I did, my aunt never had the heart to put me on the bus, she’d keep me home. However, my father being the wild Sicilian that he was would yelled at my aunt for not having put me on the bus. But my aunt didn’t care, she never put me on the bus if I threw up. Thank God she had not been raised by Scilians 🙂 and my mom was always on my side, so no problem with that either.
So all this to tell you, that my early bad experience with school kind of set the stage for being a bullied kid. I was totally another person in school – in a negative way.
Funny thing is, as I was saying to Mary above, I would fight those kids if they were trying to make fun of my brother, but I could never do it for myself.
It’s a shame that the school system is not better than they are at fighting against bullying.
Thanks for your input here and have a great weekend!
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..Develop The Power Of Not Letting The Insecurities Of Others Get To You
Hi Sylviane,
Your post reminded me of Mahatma Gandhi who said, “In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” which he definitely did.
Talk about confrontation! What would have been more challenging that confronting British Might without sword in hand and forcing them every time to accept your demands? Mahatma Gandhi did that in South Africa to begin with and then got back to India and became the legend who united a country so divided in caste and creed under one flag, under one mission and led the nation to freedom from the all powerful British Empire without bloodshed.
A great post. You have provided some insightful hints about building self-confidence and raising our own self-image to victory in tough situations.
Thank you for sharing!
-Kumar
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Hi Kumar,
Indeed, Gandhi is a great example that inner strength is stronger than physical fighting.
Bullies are actually weaker than the people they bully, but it’s all in the beliefs that we have of ourselves. If we believe that those bullies are stronger than we are, we back down and let them take over our lives. I think that the best education about bullying it’s this understanding.
Thank you for coming, Kumar and have a wonderful weekend.
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..Develop The Power Of Not Letting The Insecurities Of Others Get To You
Hello,
I am agree with Kumar. I have read so many books related to Mahatma Gandhi’s life. He was a great person and did so many amazing jobs for Indian people.
~Diana
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Hi Sylviane,
I thought was a very powerful article and much needed for those being bullied today. I remember being bulllied as well and it makes me wonder if it’s so universal. That’s an amazing thing to me.
What I like is that you give some very real solutions. Also, nowadays, schools and other institutions are taking ‘bullying’ seriously to help children in need, although in adulthood, the effects are already in place and recovery is hard.
Great tips and tools to help people and I hope it can be of help to many others with our sharing.
Thanks for writing this very important article.
Barbara
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Hi Barbara,
Sorry for the late reply. Indeed, bullying is universal, I was bullied in France from my own peers, same race, same color, same type background and raised in the same town and/or even village. So to be sure, bulling is not about being different in that kind of way, but more different in behavior, and in who you are as a person.
I truly believe that kids are as good or as bad as their parents for the most part. Let’s say if they see or even “feel” a jealous tendency in their parents, the kids are going to be “little jealous stupid brats.” The difference in adults and kids, in the case of jealousy, for example, is that the adults will keep it in, but as for the kids they will let it out, and attack the party they’re jealous about, just like mad dogs.
Oh, gosh, I know all about this hand first. I was the receiving end of this behavior for 12 long years. 12 years for an adult is a pretty short time, but for a kid between the age of 4 to 16, it’s a life time. And it was my whole childhood lifetime, as a matter of fact.
I don’t know why I was so stupid and didn’t defend myself better. My guess is that it’s because when you’re being bullied it makes you mentally weak, and you can’t even react anymore.
Thanks for coming and commenting on this subject.
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..Develop The Power Of Not Letting The Insecurities Of Others Get To You
Hey Sylviane,
I have to tip my hat off to you! This was a powerful post because in some ways I can relate to being bullied. There have been quite a few times when I was young when kids tried to pick a fight with me. My parents didn’t like it, so they gave me a whipping LOL… so I decided that either I fight and get a whipping LOL….So I learned pretty fast who I should fight and who I should just shake my head and walk away from.
Just yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine about who would be worthy to fight which makes a lot of sense. I had a couple of coworkers that try to pick a fight and belittle, and of course at first I tried fighting back, but then I stopped. They asked me why I don’t fight back, and I pretty told them in a nice way that I put their on the level of the bottom of my feet and I’m just going to keep being me and do the things that resonate with me. Just this alone hurt their ego’s.
But I love your tips you shared here. I do afformations instead of affirmations which are asking empowering questions to myself instead of making statements. This works great for me. I also tend to meditate on what my plans are, how far I came, and the things that make me happy. This for me tends to build more confidence in myself and I feel like I’m more at peace with myself!
Thanks for sharing this powerful post. I hope you’re having a great weekend!
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Hi Sherman,
I’m glad this post resonated with you. So many of us have been bullied at one point or another. What you replied to those bullies is the way to go. Telling people that we don’t want to get down to their level should make anyone with a brain realize how stupid and low they are.
As for parents, they need to ALWAYS to be on the side of their kids if they are bullied, otherwise they could become bullies themselves.
Has adults it’s easier to avoid bullies than it is as children, thank goodness.
Thank you for coming and sharing your story.
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..Develop The Power Of Not Letting The Insecurities Of Others Get To You
Nice article Sylviane. I liken it to the animal kingdom…
If an animal acts like prey, then a predator will treat it as such. That’s why if you’re faced with a predator that can easily out run you, the worst thing you can do is run away. This will cause them to chase, and they will catch you.
You have no choice but to stand your ground. You needn’t be aggressive though.
I remember watching a documentary where a lioness spotted a young wildebeest. The lioness was initially interested in an easy kill. However when she approached it, the wildebeest did not act like prey. It approached the lioness to seek comfort because it had lost its mum. The lioness was totally disarmed. She couldn’t bring herself to harm the infant, and actually started comforting it.
I used to use a similar tactic when being heckled when I was a musician. I would act like it was playful banter, even though some were very drunk and could get quite nasty. I would give them a bit back, but in a funny friendly way – like you would with your mates. Very quickly they saw me as a friend, rather than an enemy. These same people often shook our hands after the show and bought us a drink.
You should be assertive when dealing with bully’s. Being passive or being aggressive can incite them to go further. If you’re passive, then they see you like prey, and if you’re aggressive, they may increase their aggression so as not to be outdone.
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Hi Jon,
What an excellent comment you left here about bullying. Everything you’re saying is SO true and a friendly reminder of the animal in us, as much as we like to think that we are superior. We’re really not 🙂
You’re exactly right. There is a fine line to act towards bullies. If we do nothing we are just as good as next meal, if we respond violently we might scare them more, but we might also get hurt in the process and make them more aggressive still. What we need is find that power in us that sends them the message that we’re not someone to mess with, or find a manipulative way such as you describe here.
Interestingly, I’ve got that now as an adult. I know it because I was told that so many times. People have that impression about me without me doing anything “I’d better not mess with her.” I didn’t have that at all as a child though.
Thanks for your great input.
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..Develop The Power Of Not Letting The Insecurities Of Others Get To You
Hi Sylviane Nuccio
Am very first time at your blog got very impressed!!!
Indeed a good blogging page with lots of valuable tips to control your emotions.
I am very much in support of your point that Aggressive people are exactly like aggressive dogs. They will really attack you if got scared,so don’t loose your patience and always be brave.
Hi john and thanks for coming here.
I’m glad you enjoyed this article.
Hi Sylviane,
I love this detailed post about how to find your own personal strength. Bullying can be such an issue and I know they are doing so much in the schools these days to try and help. Both parties are definitely in pain and people that bully do need help.
I don’t really remember ever being bullied in school, but I do know that I was often intimated by other people and used the tactic of fading into the background to help me cope.
Courage and self confidence can make such a difference, especially when you are in an situation when you feel uncomfortable or fearful. Your three tips are great. Meditation helps me stay centered and gives that so needed break from technology. It is wonderful to “hear” the silence. Thanks for a great post!
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Hi Cathy, and welcome here!
Yes, bullying is an awful thing and bullies really do need help. It’s interesting how we think that the person being bullied needs help, but really, the ones who are first and foremost in need of help are the ones who feel the need to hurt in order to feel good. There, you know that something IS wrong there.
If you had that feeling of being intimidated and wanting to fade in the background, my guess is that you were not far from bullies. No one should be forced to feel that way, right?
Thanks you for coming and for your input.
Hi Sylviane,
This is another excellent post. Trusting one’s self and gaining inner strength is a very big factor in order to not letting others take over your confidence and trust of one’s self. A good meditation would also be great.
it’s interesting you make the comparison of a bully to an aggressive dog. i think it’s important to say that both are learned behaviors … dogs become aggressive because of their environment, the way they are treated, or what the see and learn. i feel the same is true of children.
Hello there,
I usually do not accept comments from people who don’t show a real name, but (Whirly Dog) I think that your comment is good enough for me to show it here.
I certainly agree with you, both are LEARNED behaviors. In the case of dogs because of bad owners in the case of children because of bad parents, who don’t know how to teach good productive behaviors to their kids.
Thanks for your input.
Sylviane Nuccio invites you to read..How To Overcome Your Fear Of Public Speaking
Hi, really great advice, By being positive and having a good perspective in life will really help us a lot. Thanks for sharing. Great post.
Hi Sylviane,
I agree that aggressive people are like aggressive dogs and I also agree that confronting your fears gives you energy and boost your self esteem but I have seen timid kids turn out to be bullies themselves because confrontation gave them powers that they could never imagine.
I enjoyed your article and very good points raised. Thanks.
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